My kind has enjoyed a long and glorious history. We have been worshiped by humans for centuries. Our very likenesses have been carved into limestone and painted on walls. Today, we are primarily worshiped on something my favorite human likes to call “the internet.”
This internet was created by humans for the express purpose of adoring the feline species. Billions of humans check the internet daily for pictures and videos of my species living our glorious lives. This has given us felines what some disrespectful humans like to call “an attitude.”
Although my human was already 15 when she “adopted me” (ridiculous – if anything, I adopted her!), she still had a lot to learn. Over the last several years, I have taught my human all the essential life skills she will need. For example, my human is now an expert napper (she sleeps up to 16 hours a day).
When I first adopted my human, I anticipated receiving praise and adoration. I had heard stories of my fellow felines receiving treats and catnip from their own humans, and I was excited for my own live-in treat-bringer. However, my own human turned out to be so much more than a treat-bringer. Somewhere between successfully teaching my human how to find the perfect sunspot for naps and unsuccessfully teaching my human how to properly lick one’s body clean, I realized that I cared for my human very much.
Unfortunately, my human recently graduated from a human education system called “high school” several months ago and is headed for further education at this place called “college.” And while I am curious why any college would want a student who cannot properly clean herself or catch mice, it is not my place to judge. Perhaps she is going to a remedial college to learn these things. Regardless, I miss my human very much, and without her by my side, I suspect that my favorite sunspots are much too cool and my fur is not quite as fluffy (though less-awesome humans assure me daily that I am still “super-fluffy”).
In the absence of my favorite human, I have decided to share my great wisdom with you and start my own Cat Column where I give Cat Certified Advice 100% of the time. My first piece of advice: concentrate on the positive. Although it is very sad when the young humans leave us to concentrate on “higher education” or join “the workforce” or other nonsense, they will always return. And in the meantime, the house will be extra quiet and perfect for catnaps!
Till next time,
Oliver
